I have a lot of emotions coursing through me at the moment, so I apologize if my thoughts are jumbled and I don’t make sense. Intense emotion can only bring out intense lot of things, and sometimes, that includes things like rants and mind dumps.
Today, after getting up from a nap, I was informed my grandfather would be receiving hospice care. This is a hard thing for me to accept, and I guess it needs a little clarification as for why. Growing up, until I was about 18, I was privileged enough to have a set of grandparents literally across the street from me. As for such, at least half, if not more of my life, at this time, was spent with them in daily contact. So, unlike some cousins, I have intense emotions when it comes to my grandparents because of this influence.
When I graduated high school, I moved away from the town I grew up in, and subsequently, life got in
the way of the almost daily (if not several times a day) visits I used to make. I had college, then work, and now even more work. Guilt besieges me every day, not helped, really, by the commentary of family. As you become an adult, even without kids and the like, things just control you. I worry so much about getting to work,
making enough to make the bills, that I forget, sometimes, there are other people out there who care about me and would like to hear from me. Couple that with an intense dislike of using the phone, and I
basically am the unsocial ass of the century.
My paternal grandparents, and especially my grandfather, are wrapped up in memories of times when
he was active, healthy, and lively enough to “play.” I don’t think I could bare seeing him even more wasted away than he already was the last time I saw him. I prefer to remember the guy who would wrestle with my handicapped sister, and play with my dog and call her Pepperoni. The guy who loved carpentry, and would listen for hours on end to my drabbling nonsense as he made whatever project he was working on. I would prefer to remember him as I knew him for so many years. Strong. Loving. Always my Gramps.
Maybe I will muster strength to hold myself together for a visit to him. But, knowing my schedule, and
knowing me, I don’t know if I will find it. I feel like the horrible grandchild for every moment of it. Some of my cousins do more. But, it is just so hard for me. This is a man who, for most of my life, was the rock solid foundation, even in the shakiest of times, I had. This is a man, for all of his faults, who so loved his grandchildren, that he even so lovingly interacted with my sister. He treated her like the rest of us. No, honestly, he treated her better, and treated her how she deserved.
I cannot, even now, writing this in tears, tell you all I feel. I know my grandfather’s faults. Maybe others won’t remember him the way I do, but, for all that it is worth, I send my entire love to him to comfort him. I send whatever belief I can muster to guide him. And, I’m forever grateful that I was loved by him, and that throughout some of the hardest times for girls, those teenage years, he called me beautiful as much as he did.
Pepper is waiting for you, Poppy. Make sure she knows we miss her and love her too.