If someone were to ask me if I wished I was ten years younger again, I would probably answer yes. Not for the typical reasons people give. I don’t have a ton of regrets, and if I did change a thing or two, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I kinda like me.
But, I would go back for one reason: I never seemed to have a lack of energy to write. There was always a story idea, poem, or novel to work on. There was always some crazy concept lurking in the back of what I have as a brain to delve into and explore. I always seemed to have something to say, and unfortunately, the folly of youth made me believe I had the wisdom to share it. Especially when I was wrong.
I miss writing. Writers talk about writer’s block and running into a point where they cannot progress on a story. I feel like I cannot make any progress on anything. It’s not just my fiction. It’s everything. I always have things to say. I actually say them out loud, in a way entirely different than I ever intended, far more than I write anything down. This is the complete opposite of who I’ve always been. I miss it. I miss it a lot.
People say that you just have to write, even if it’s crap, to keep yourself writing. I don’t want to write crap. I sit down, I attempt to write, and if it sounds crappy, I stop writing. I’m not in the craft to make crappy stories. I’m not enjoying forcing myself to write things I hate just so I keep in a habit. Unfortunately, that also means very little writing gets done.
I miss being young and staying up late. I used to write until 3 or 4 in the morning, propelled by this awesome dialog racing in my mind, and the visions prompted by my character’s surroundings. I used to chat with friends and family online with a word processing document open, words piling up on the screen, working together to make one of those awesome sentences that you read and wonder if you even wrote that amazing stuff.
I want that back. Who knows if I’ll get it back, but I’m sure as heck going to try. If I can’t churn out my stories like I want, I will try to at least write some blog entries. Hold on: Bumpy roads ahead.