Monthly Archives: November 2012

Checkmark next to Thanksgiving. Next blank: Christmas.

November has been a weird month for me. Between my work driving me ever closer to a nervous breakdown, and the confusing, hectic life leading up the major holiday season, I have felt very lost and outside of time. Yes, you heard that right. I don’t feel OUT of time. I feel OUTSIDE of it.

It feels like standing in place, watching the world spin around you, and you’re aware it’s still spinning, but you don’t feel it. An hour’s passage doesn’t faze you, and it feels like a minute. You can’t keep track of what day it is. You feel small and inconsequential, not because someone called you that or because you’re just down on yourself, but that things keep moving on in their moving on in their sort of way, and you don’t feel yourself move with it.

Some of my friends and family went with the “Today, I”m thankful for” meme on Facebook, and I couldn’t participate. Mostly because I hate being beholden to think of something different for another day, even if I’m currently thankful for a million things. Part of me also wants to rebel and say, “Hey, I’m thankful EVERYDAY, not just one day or 20 some odd days in November because everyone else is doing it.” I know; I know. Everyone else feels the same. So, here’s a thought: If you do feel the same, show it. Don’t say it. Show it.

This is something I’ve tried to work on with myself. I’m not always successful with it, but I try.

I feel like if I continue, I’ll start the babble, and bore the heck out of anyone reading, so I’ll just try to finish it with a few thankful thoughts.

I’m thankful that I have a family to love, friends that deal with all my crazy, and a job that keeps the roof over my head and bills paid. I’m thankful for finding out I have friends I didn’t even know I had (and who give a crap about me), and I’m most thankful that I have a brain that has no problems, whatsoever, entertaining me in the way it always has.

Now, hopefully, next year, I can claim “a brain that always keeps on that writing task thing” as a point to be thankful for. Until then, I guess I have enough to make me happy.

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Posted by on 11/26/2012 in family


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Brightness comes from strange light sources.

After all the drama of the last post (okay, maybe all in my mind drama, but drama nonetheless!), I was content in knowing I’d probably leave this blog alone for a few days more as I entered the most mind-altering part of my weekly schedule (the overnights!). Then, a thing or two happened tonight that got me thinking, and when I get thinking, I’ll eventually get writing.

I work in a customer service oriented field. For a introvert like me, this isn’t exactly the best field to work in because you can’t really avoid people or being interactive in this type of job. And, I admit. I’m also not the most harmonious and positive of my coworkers when it comes to interacting with customers. There may be a few reasons for this, but a big one, especially where I’m situated, is that a smile is not often just a smile, and a nice demeanor isn’t just being polite anymore. If you smile at a guy, that means you obviously want to jump his bones. If you know someone’s name, you obviously want to marry him. If you’re working at night, you obviously are just trolling for dates and saying, “not interested” means “OMG, I want you so bad.”

This isn’t just from my experience. In fact, it’s the experience of the majority of my coworkers. Something about working in a customer oriented industry gives people the idea that sexual harassment and pushy behavior is somehow welcome because a person is being paid to be nice to you. Let’s repeat this: An associate gets paid to be nice to you.

Now, I know. Not all in the biz actually understand that and ignore you, or walk buy you, or call you names. I know this because I worked with one. I also know that more often than that, a nice person who happens to smile at someone gets hit on because someone assumes a smile is a gateway drug to hot sexy times.

That rant was nice, but not the point of this point. So, let’s rewind to me not being the most positive, smile-wielding member of our staff. I’m nice as a point of politeness, but if you’re acting like a racist,chauvinistic pig around me, I’m probably not going to smile at you or politely chuckle at your jokes. If you’re acting a little off the rocker, so to speak, I’m probably going to be wary around you. If you talk incessantly about not winning the lottery with the same speech every night, I’m not going to engage you in conversation like it’s our first time meeting. I won’t be rude. But, I won’t be your bff.  So, it always surprises me, especially when hearing supervisors express to me that I need to be “nicer” or that I’m a hard-ass, that I have circumstances like tonight.

A customer stopped me tonight while I was working and handed me a piece of paper. She explained the situation and that she had planned on throwing the paper she’d gotten in the mail out, but thought of me before doing so.  She told me she’d received it, but would never, ever use it, and thought, if I was interested, I could use it. Why? “Because you’re always so nice to me when I come in.”

To note, it was a gift certificate good towards merchandise at a higher-end retail establishment the woman doesn’t even frequent, but received a gift from a family member from. I was humbled. But, it was far from the first experience I’ve had with this.

Here, I guess, is something I thought about and am still contemplating. All throughout my customer service career experience, I’ve always been compared to someone else and told that’s how I should act.Yet, I must be doing something right if someone wants to give me something, even if on an off-chance, because I’m always nice to them. To clarify: Because I’m polite to them.

So, yeah, in all the dark going on in my life right now, a brightness did come from a strange light source: Because in all the times I sit down and believe I’m not good enough because I’m not just like the examples thrown on the table in front of me, someone seems to always come by and tell me I AM. And, it’s always from the place you’d never, ever expect it from.

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Posted by on 11/06/2012 in Uncategorized


Sometimes, life just controls you.

I think I’ve tried to write this entry about twelve times. I know I’ve struggled with what exactly to say and whether or not I really, truly care to say it. Writing, to me, has never been something I could treat as a chore or a listing that I must check off. It’s been a passion, a love, a friend, and until the last five years, a refuge from a lot of things I have been consistently struggling with since my last entry.

The big reason I stopped posting wasn’t for lack of ideas. It was a lack of energy. My job has become more of a time consumer in my life than ever, and I feel like I’m lost in a whirlwind of what I need to do to keep the income in because, ultimately, when you’re poor, that’s the main impetus for your life. Keep the income that keeps your life together.

To not give too many details: The company that I worked for was bought out by a bigger, global, and more successful company in the same type of “business.” They were nice: They “converted” stores rather than close or sell them, and a majority of the people who worked for the original company retained a position in the new company. But, switching companies means new rules, new hours, new job requirements, and in my case, a hell of a lot of new stress.

I spent a week fielding phone calls from corporate offices and bank customer service lines, and my own workplace in order to locate a missing fund of money (AKA my pay), I am spending nearly 3 x’s my old amount of money just trying to get to work (cause I’m the loser without the license), and I think I’ve gotten 30 hours of sleep total since October 4th.

I work three different shifts a week, which seems to be the normal for me, and I try my best to be accommodating and nice because ultimately, I know I work this because there isn’t anyone else to do it. I have about 40 people a day ask me how I like my new job, and I have to grin through explaining that it’s a lot of change. They don’t get why I’m not raving in my reviews. Maybe if I had some time to really stop, think, and contemplate, I could actually figure out how I feel. Instead, I’m busy just trying to figure out when I’m going to do laundry next, and OMG, Christmas is coming, I have gifts to buy and OMG I have no time to buy them. Thank goodness for online versions of stores. That is ONE thing not contributing to stress.

I feel backed into a corner, and I’m never at my best in these moments, and since I tend to write best when happy, writing hasn’t been a priority when not sleeping has.

Couple this with the election coming up. I’m not going to get political. I have too many friends and people I’m fans of flooding my Facebook wall with all of their opinions, whether I want them or not, and I don’t want to spend an entire post explaining why I feel the way I do.  But, I will, in a few days, make a decision. I will vote. Once, I was told by a family member that she didn’t vote because,  “It doesn’t matter. My vote doesn’t matter.” Sure, because of the electoral college and the basic “leaning” that states have, in some way, in NY, even if you vote Conservative, chances are you’re going Liberal as a state.  But, here’s a little factoid that some might not realize:

One day, after submitting my vote for President, and reading the local paper, there was a headline that gave a listing of the votes collected in my local county, counted for President of the United States. I, and my mother, voted Democrat.  It was a VERY close election, even in the conservative county. My choice, even though he didn’t win, won the county by 2 votes. 2 votes. Those two votes, those two voices, could have been mine and my mother.  That made voting more real to me than anything. It can, at times, come down to a vote. Things do so all the time. One vote in a battleground state, as they call them, could decide how the state goes. One vote. As optimistic as it might make me to believe in that, being raised to believe in the United States made me be that optimistic.

So, please, if you can, do vote. Your voice can only be heard if you open your mouth. Silence isn’t winning. Silence isn’t better. You may hate your friends for filling up your walls, and blogspace with political points with their point of view, but they, at the very least, are using their voice and to get all patriotic: The fact they are even able to have a voice about such things? THAT is the essence of what is great about this country. So, vote. Speak up.

That’s as political as I EVER hope to get in this blog.

So, here’s the deal with the morose post: I’ll hope to write more. After all, the holidays are coming up, and I’m sure I’ll have funky tales to talk about. But, I did want people to know I do not intend on walking away from this blog, even if I was forced to for the past few months. Silly Saturdays will be back. Crazy midnight, 2am, 6am (and out of work!) musings will be coming. I felt I had to say something and get this all off my chest, as rambling as it might be.

See ya’ll soon. 🙂

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Posted by on 11/05/2012 in blogging, Uncategorized, work


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